


Ease My Mind

by collectingstories



Series: Connor Murphy shorts [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Adorable Connor, Connor Deserves Happiness, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Sad Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 10:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21318853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collectingstories/pseuds/collectingstories
Summary: Connor tries to kill himself but doesn't succeed. In the hospital you show up with a confession.
Relationships: Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)/Reader
Series: Connor Murphy shorts [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1535135
Kudos: 50





	Ease My Mind

The hospital room was filled with small touches of color, meant to be comforting. The glass rainbow mural that hung on the wall seven floors above the emergency waiting area reflected into his room in ICU, painting the floor in different colours. The vinyl couch that could be rearranged into a bed for a guest was a maroon color and the chairs that were pulled up beside his hospital bed were a navy blue. They empty but hours earlier his mom had been sitting in one. 

So far she was the only one to see him. Larry and Zoe both stayed outside the room, in the waiting area, and Cynthia said it was too hard for them to see him like this but he knew that wasn’t it at all. They were keeping him for observation. 

“Because you tried to kill yourself Connor, do you remember?” 

Of course he did. After the first night his mom sat on the couch while she assumed he was asleep and called everyone in her address book to tell them that Connor had ‘been in an accident’. Bible study, the ladies luncheon, book club, and bridge were all cancelled because of him. 

On the second day there she announced she was going home for a change of clothes. Larry had already left the night before to sleep in his own bed and Zoe had gone with him. His mom stayed so that she could whisper to the nurses about his psyche while she presumed he wasn’t paying attention. She left early in the morning, pressing a kiss to his forehead and asking him to “please just listen to the doctors okay sweetie”. Her change of clothes lasted all day. But 9am that Tuesday morning someone besides hospital staff came into his room. 

Your mom had gotten the call the previous night. You were playing video games with your younger brother when she came in the room to tell you that Connor was in the hospital. An accident, she said, though she confided that Cynthia had told her he tried to kill himself. 

“Your mom said it’d be alright to have visitors,” you said, walking further into the hospital room. “I brought twizzlers and I borrowed Sean’s Nintendo switch.” 

“Hey,” Connor sat up further in bed, a little caught off guard to see you there. He expected his mom, maybe Larry and Zoe eventually, Evan if he ever heard the news and could brave the trip into the city but not you. 

Your mom and Cynthia had been college roommates and best friends. For the entirety of your elementary school existence you had been best friends with Connor. You were at his house constantly, jumping on the trampoline Larry installed, trick or treating at Halloween, having pizza every Friday. When your family moved into the city after your mom got remarried that relationship changed. Soon you were only seeing him once a year at Cynthia’s annual New Years Day open house. Your mom relayed every bad story that was shared with her about Connor and his out of control personality. 

The time he tried to burn all his childhood photos or when he painted his entire bedroom black without his parents knowledge, that time he got into a fight with Larry so bad that his dad punched him, when he destroyed the trampoline. You heard about it all, and some of it you had witnessed. But it was difficult to see that boy, to know that Connor. Because you saw him only once a year and when you did he was sweet. He’d find you in the kitchen and suggest hiding in the basement while the party went on, playing video games and watching tv. He was nice to your little brother and always made an effort to behave on New Years. 

“I’m not gonna fuck shit up so much this year, I’m gonna be better.” Connor always swore. 

Once you had cellphones keeping in touch was a little easier but sometimes Connor got in his own head. One minute you’d be texting and the next you wouldn’t hear from him for days while he decided that everyone was better off without him. 

The thought had briefly crossed your mind that he might not want anyone to see him like this. Larry and Cynthia certainly didn’t want anyone to see him like this. But you had to go, you needed to know he was okay. Or at least that he was still breathing. 

“How’d you get here?” 

“The subway.” You shrugged, “my mom and your mom were supposed to go to lunch today and I figured while they were there I’d come here.” 

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

“I know,” you pulled one of the navy chairs over to the bed and sat down, laying your backpack on the ground. You’d packed it with stuff for Connor and skipped school to come see him. A little outside of your usual character. “I just wanted to see you. My mom told me what happened.” 

“What’d she say?” 

“I think something about your appendix burst.” 

“Yeah.” Connor nodded. 

“Well anyway I brought some stuff,” you said, looking away from him to rummage in your backpack. You felt like you were going to burst out crying if you just looked at him and you weren’t sure if he would be comfortable knowing that you knew what happened. 

Though Connor had made off-hand comments about feeling depressed or angry he never really talked about his emotions with you. He never talked about wanting to end things but you knew he did. Likewise though, you had never broached the subject before because you were never sure what to say. You doubted that Connor would appreciate you interrupting a game of Mario Kart on New Year’s day to talk to him about his feelings. So you just didn’t. 

“Scoot over.” 

“Scoot over? This is my hospital bed,” he pointed out even as you sat beside him on the bed. 

“Don’t start with me Murphy, I skipped school for you.” You teased, smiling at him as you settled the backpack in front of you to pull out the contents. 

-

“Do you remember that time when your hair was just passed your ears and you let me put tiny braids all over it with those little rubber bands that Sean had?” You asked. 

It had progressed into lunch and you sat there with Connor, the tray table pulled up so he could eat the pancakes he ordered, and you were painting the nails of one hand black. The nail polish you’d bought specially for him though you didn’t say so. 

“Yeah, you took a picture even though I told you not to.” He replied. You were looking down at the hand in your lap but he was watching you. 

“I still have it.” You mentioned, glancing up at him and smiling, “I keep it in my day planner.” 

“I wish you’d trash it.” 

“I love that picture!” You brought his hand up to your face and blew on the polish, “this stuff is supposed to dry matte, it’s not so shiny.” 

Connor only shrugged. 

“Hey, Connor, my mom told me why you’re here, not the dumb appendix story.” You mentioned. 

You had been thinking about it all morning, since you woke up and decided that you were not going to school. You were going to mention it right away, rip the bandaid off the whole thing and dive in the deep end but you chickened out when you saw him. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Could I just…we don’t have to but could I just say something before we don’t?” 

“Whatever.” He leaned back against the bed and looked away from you, toward the window and the rainbow reflecting in it. Of all the rooms. 

“I didn’t wanna…I like how easy things are between us and I don’t want to jeopardize that and I don’t want you to feel bad but when my mom told me what happened I was so scared. I just thought, what if something happened and I didn’t get the chance to tell you how much you mean to me. I love you Connor, you are my favorite part of the entire year and I wish we hung out more and every year I swear to myself that we will and I never follow through with it. I always let it slide and I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want you to feel alone and I know I can’t take that from you but I just…when you aren’t sure, I want you to know that I’m here and that you’re always on my mind.” You confided. 

Connor turned his head back toward you, staring openly at the way your skin looked with fresh tears tracked down your cheeks and even fresher ones threatening to fall from your eyes. You had cried when your mom told you that he had tried to commit suicide and you had cried on the way over here and you had cried riding the elevator up to his floor. But you had been trying your hardest not to cry in front of him. He frowned and reached up to brush some of the tears away. 

“Don’t cry.” He pleaded, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, this is not okay. We’re supposed to be playing video games in your basement on New Year’s day or facetiming while I do homework or sending each other stupid pictures on snapchat. Not this, not sitting here.” 

“I know,” Connor pulled you into his arms, ignoring the nail polish still drying on his hands. He held you against him, his forehead resting against yours, “I know.”

“I love you.”


End file.
